


a normal conversation with me but i somehow get more and more incoherent

by Big_OwO



Category: Original Work
Genre: CRACKHEAD, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-07
Updated: 2019-12-07
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:21:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21702139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Big_OwO/pseuds/Big_OwO
Summary: yeaeh
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	a normal conversation with me but i somehow get more and more incoherent

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wolfstar4466](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfstar4466/gifts).



You can call me Yoshi, cause I’m committing tax fraud. Hi, I’m Abort and today we are going to read a little something. This is kind of just a bunch of weird or bad things I know way too much about and could be seen as a very bad thing. Please don’t worry nothing is wrong I just research stuff a lot. Nothing is credited because I don’t remember where I learned this stuff, I just learned it a long time ago and the information is still in my head. I am a true poet, we are gonna start things off strong with our first topic.  
Ants, what are they exactly?  
Okay, the next topic is interrobangs. They are really cool I think. We learned about them when we were really young, like 2nd grade maybe. They are basically an exclamation mark and a question mark in the same thing. It means the exact same thing as “!?” and I think that’s pretty neat. We should use them more but I don’t know if people even learn about them anymore and that makes me sad. I should start a petition to bring back the interrobang. It looks like this bros: ‽  
The next topic is Michel Lotito. He’s not a topic anymore than he is a person so yeah. He once ate a plane. I mean he ate other things too like fifteen shopping carts and like a waterbed and a coffin. Michel is kind of my hero, he was great. He died in 2007 due to natural causes and not because of the weird stuff he ate. Like it took him about two years to eat the plane and he was only able to do this because he had like a thicker stomach lining so it didn’t just rip it to shreds.  
Alrighty next we have the word color or colour. I’m American, born and raised in the United States, but I always spell the word like colour. It becomes irritating when typing it because it corrects to color, even though Americans are wrong and stupid and do everything wrong like always. I actually had an argument with a friend about this topic once. I had typed out colour and he argued that it was color and I called him a dumb American and he said that’s real rich coming from a dumber American. Needless to say, I didn’t care.  
Speaking of dumb things Americans did. The letter “Z” is pronounced zee to us. However the letter actually is pronounced zed and we are being really dumb and should just change it back. Like what was so wrong about zed? I want it back, but it doesn’t matter what I want. Life just be like that sometimes. Oh another thing to bounce right into, the letter “h” is pronounced like ach but to other people it’s pronounced hach (both of the a’s in the pronunciations are like in the word Ape) and that is so much better? Like I want that accent so much, I’m just convinced that being not American is so cool.  
I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet but I’m purposely trying to avoid the topics of Queen and the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) because if I started on them I would never get finished with it. Like is Roger Taylor a moth? Let’s discuss. He likes lamps apparently? I’m totally here for it. Also is Freddie a thermometer? You know, “200 degrees, that why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit” and his last name is Mercury? He is obviously a thermometer and like with Roger being a moth, I am here for it. We miss and love you Freddie, you absolute legend. Rami Malek is also really cool. Joe Mazzello is really neat too, they are all just really cool. All of the Bo Rhap and Queen boys are really cool. See? We are already getting off track here. I could go on forever about this.  
You boys ever Juul? Like to vape? They look like mechanical pencil graphite holders that you get at like the school store. You probably already know that. I’ve actually been offered to Juul once. It was pretty funny actually, the whole story is pretty chaotic but I’m gonna leave some of it out cause it’s kind of illegal. Anyway two friends of mine invited me over to one of their houses cause we live right by each other. So I walk over to his house and he puts on a record on the player and I’m like “huh this is weird, who has record players anymore?” Then like Down Under by Men at a Work starts blaring from it and I’m automatically having a good time. We dance to it a bit and do a little video of it. Next the dude bro is like “here you wanna try my Juul bro?” Me, being a coward and not wanting a weaker immune system than I already have, I politely decline his offer. He’s doesn’t care, so just Juul some more and I’m cool with it too. Like I could care less if someone Juuls around me, I ain’t no snitch. Stuff occurs after that that only we three know about and it’s really funny and chaotic, the other two never brought it up after this.  
Look McDonald’s your cheese game strong but you really gotta work on your presentation. Speaking of which, I’m getting McDonald’s while writing this part. This line is so freaking long, like I don’t know why. We got nuggets and fries, and we have been waiting in this drive through line for like ten minutes and my stepdad is getting impatient.  
It’s a new day and I just came up with a new topic. Salmon. I know quite a bit about that. Like how they swim upstream of their original home stream to go lay their eggs. They like die a lot during their traveling, cause they swim downstream, they do things down there, they swim back upstream, they lay eggs, they die. There are like bears and stuff that get them while they travel back and forth. Also like natural causes kill them too. Hey did you know that fish can also drown? I think it’s neat. Like we can suffocate in the air so it’s only fair they drown in the water.  
We also made cookies today, it was neat. I got like beat up in that class last week. Like Error, as we like to call him, he held his hand up for no reason and naturally I felt threatened. I tried to bite his hand even though I had my bite plate in, he naturally felt threatened. He elbowed me in the face and naturally I felt threatened so I lurched at him again. He, naturally, felt threatened and smacked the side of my head. It was very loud apparently, I couldn’t tell. I fell to the floor behind our other cooking classmates and I promptly sat down and tears emerged. Call me Chernobyl, cause I’m about to have a meltdown. This had nothing to do with the cookies but I don’t care.  
Robert Downey Jr. is prettier than I’ll ever be.  
Duolingo is so threatening. Like beg for your life in Spanish. You could get like a notification and it would be like really sad you aren’t doing your lesson but really it is all just a distraction from what he’s really doing. He’s trying to make you think about it being sad but really it is planning the easiest way to burn your family at the stake and dump their ashes in the river closest to your house without you noticing. I’m going to burn your family at the stake. I am Duo. I will find you. Give me your retinas, I will replace your retinas with your teeth. I will switch your wrists with your knee caps. How would you like to eat corn on the cob with no teeth‽  
Someone break my neck  
Knock knock it’s opium. What is lymics? Where did I hear that from? I have no idea what the original word is supposed to be. I heard the word once but it’s been stuck in my head for like eons. Do you know what it means? I really want to know. It is plaguing my life. I will die never knowing the answer. Is it limics? Lymics? How would it be spelt? Was the original word limits? Push the limics. I think it might have been limits. I change my mind, I won’t die not knowing the answer because I now know the answer.  
Serious questioning now boys, or girls, or anything you want to be, what do cucumbers taste like? I’ve never had one, they scare me too much. They are actually so intimidating, the green is so natural yet unnatural at the same time. I’ve seen the inside of them and I suppose if you see a dissected version of your prey you shouldn’t be scared of it because you know you are superior because you have never been dissected like that and served to children. It is so strange to me. Please. They are so frightening. I wish there was a better way to make them less terrifying other than chopping them into slices or tiny bits where they can’t actually do anything. Scream at the bits, show the cucumber who’s boss. Assert your dominance. Fight back! Don’t let it win! RIOT!! TAKE THEM DOWNstairs to get a nice cup of tea and hear them out. Maybe they just want friends and won’t want to be so scary anymore. Make friends with the cucumber. Then feed it to your dog because we don’t accept wusses into our super secret no girls allowed club.  
Cucumber, or as they call it in Jamaica, cucumba, cucumba, vitamins minerals, very high number. Silica, hair and nails get longer, other vitamins make your bones dem stronger. Anti wrinkle make you look younger. 95% water, kidney cleanser, great hydrator, detox, fiber, good regulator. Give your body good things, don’t be a traitor. Get the cucumba, cut it in a slice, put it in a jug of water overnight, you know what you get for a fraction of the price, energy drink full of electrolytes. Raw in a salad is one of the uses, or as a base for your vegetable juice. For another surprise put a slice on your eyes, take away the dryness, revitalize. Oh yes, one thing I have left, cucumba can also help with bad breath, wash away the bacteria that cause the odor, cucumba water instead of soda. A Macka B Medical Monday, CUCUMBA!  
The club, if you were wondering is called Yoplait Smooth Style Vanilla Snack Size Yogurt Cups. We are all different flavors. I am vanilla because I’m painfully average. Frick the cucumbers. Don’t tell anyone I said frick (I’m sorry mum) cause it’s a bad word. We don’t tolerate cursing like that in the Yoplait Smooth Style Vanilla Snack Size Yogurt Cups Club. If you curse like that I will personally throw you from the treehouse window onto the grill at the bottom where my mum is making us processed meat cylinders with beef slabs covered in 41 percent plastic. You can come back up when you learn how to behave yourself, and maybe after getting treated for burns. We aren’t bringing you to the hospital, you know what you did now face the consequences.  
Power move: break your leg then walk to the hospital because you can’t legally drive a car. Another power move is to instead of getting your driver's license you should get a go kart. You can legally drive a go kart without a license as long as it’s a 50cc engine. That’s pretty slow but hey it’s way better than walking. Tokyo drift that bad boy into Tomorrowland.  
I have been informed of what ants are. They are Jewish folk.  
Zoop cheated on Error. This is a sad day. Zoop is very unfaithful, stay away at all costs.  
Hey boios i’m back, it's been quite an adventure since we last spoke. Billie Eilish? You mean Billie Eyelash? (Oystertoaster, Error 2019)  
“Make me a yo-yo master!” he cried, but the yo-yo master did not answer, he just kept on yo-ing  
Yeah, I’m crabby, and you wanna know why? Because I have crabs. I thought it’d be all fun and games to go to Mexico and have sex with a hooker named “Los Cangrejos”. Turns out in Spanish that means The Crabs. I PAID 700 DOLLARS FOR THE CRABS!  
Good lord it’s been a hot second hasn’t it Boys? I don’t know why boys got capitalized, maybe it’s a disgusting capitalist. Pity that. You do not understand the void between life and true understanding. You are not alive at true understanding, it is just an illusion and you are being tricked. You fool, you complete buffoon, do you even know who you are speaking with? I don’t know either, I also can’t spell. I may not know how to form a sentence but. That’s it, then I do a somersault at the end.  
Can you spell Applebee’s Bar and Grill Menu? A p p l e b e e apostrophe s, Space b a r, another space, a n d, aNOTHER Space, g r I l l, oh boy there’s another one, m e n u. There, I taught you how to spell Applebee’s Bar and Grill Menu. Take the holy information and run free with it. Only you now know the true, that is true understanding. That’s the secret, don’t let them know. I am frantically telling you this. The key to true understanding is to recite the line above. I don’t have long they are coming for me, I’m risking EVERYTHING BY TELLING YOU THIS DO NOT LET ME DOWN.  
There is someone walking around me humming and it’s actually annoying cause they don’t have any sense of like tempo or pitch. A solid 3 out of 10, could see improvement.


End file.
